November Blues

Wow, already November.  Halloween was almost rained out this year.  We had such strong winds and heavy rain that almost all the leaves are off of the trees : (. A neighbour's whole fence blew over and our basement flooded.  The timing is awful!  You see my son bought a car that unexpectedly needed some repairs.  He "cleaned" out our garage (which basically means everything from inside the garage is now in my living room or yard) so he could work on his car in there.  Now that the basement flooded we've brought a bunch of stuff upstairs to add to the pile of crap in my living room.  I could cry.

November has always been a heavy month for me, winter is rudely starting, too much rain, barely any sunlight and everything is dying in the garden, knowing this is going to last until at least the end of March and get worse til then is so depressing.   It also scares me because I attempted suicide on November 11th in 1991, it was many years ago but the thought of sliding into that deep emotional hole ever again is a big fear of mine.  I felt out of control, I kept on trying to pull myself out with activities, time with friends, shopping, eating.....I was frantic to get happy or at least mellow. 

I was in University at the time and had been depressed for a few months, I was used to it, it was a very familiar feeling that returned pretty well every year.  I can remember thinking about suicide as early as when I was about 10 years old.  I thought everyone felt this way and was just faking it better than me.  I went to the school's doctor and told her about my sadness and stress with school, paying rent etc.  I asked if this was normal because I wanted help, she said my feelings were normal.  I think that helped put me over the edge, if this was normal I dreaded being like this for the rest of my life.  At the same time, me and my live-in boyfriend were breaking up or at least moving into separate places.  The landlord wouldn't let us out of our lease so we were both going to get studio apartments in the same building as a way to resolve this.  I really didn't want to do this, this tiny studio, one-room apartment was so dark, small and isolated.  I hated putting my cat into such a small space.  On November 11th it was snowing, raining and windy.  I remember getting off the bus in front of my apartment building and just being miserable, wet and cold.  Me and my boyfriend had an argument and he left to go see his friends.  I remember thinking, "that's it, I'm done" and kept thinking "I'm done" over and over.  I went into some sort of autopilot, not letting myself think anything but that I was done and went to the pharmacy across the street and bought three bottles of sleeping pills, once home I opened some wine and drank all three bottles of the pills as fast as I could incase I changed my mind and continue drinking and drinking.  I was pretty inebriated by the time I called the Help Line to talk to somebody.  They urged me to take the bus to the hospital, I think I fell asleep.  Then the police showed up?!  My friend who had gotten married in the summer and had moved 8 hours away had tried calling me and when I didn't answer, because I had been so upset earlier, she worried and called the police to check on me because my boyfriend had been violent in the past.  It was such a horrible experience, I got taken to the hospital and because I was drunk and didn't want something stuck down my throat they restrained me to pump my stomach.  They kept me restrained the rest of the night, I had dreams or visions or people coming to see me and a nurse saying to me angrily  "look what you've done!" after I threw up again....lot's of charcoal.

I finally got the help I needed after that, so many people had told me I was ok, it was a relief to be told that "no, this is not normal", at least with that I could see better days ahead instead of a life time of the same feeling.

I'm so glad my attempt was unsuccessful,  I would have missed out on so much wonderful life I still had coming.  I married a beautiful, gentle man, have three wonderful kids that love me, was able to help my parents with their transitioning into old age, saw many sunsets, marvelling at how magical nature is.  The positives in my life could fill a set of encyclopaedias.

Plan of attack for beating the blues this winter.....

1.  Buy one of those lights for Seasonal Affective Disorder
2. Get back to working out as soon as the physiotherapist ok's it.
3. Make plans with friends at least once a week. Don't isolate yourself!
4. On bad days snuggle with my pets, a blanket, tea and a good book.
5. Listen to more music.
6. Walk Bella at least once a day even if it is -40 (just a short walk then though, lol)
7. Shower and make myself up to look like I'm happy every day.  The power of a hot shower and clean clothes is incredible.
8. Snowshoeing
9. Minimalize my life.......
10. Yoga, meditate, write....basically self-care.
11.  Get help if you are slipping. Don't let your depressed mind talk you out of it!

What are your go-to plans for winter blahs and blues?  Have you tried one of those lights and did it help?